Callen

Callen is a strong young boy who works at Phult0n's best known feed mill. He is known for his moronic statements and ideas which stand out in a land of idiots and the mentally feeble. Examples of this include not being able to tell the difference between east and south, mistaking a insurance company for a cable company and a feed company for an insurance company, believing that dropping a cat off in the middle of nowhere to freeze and starve is more humane than shooting it, being baffled by the soup pot at a buffet, thinking that migrant shacks are chicken coops, thinking calcium is a poison, mistaking a WW2 graffiti with a children’s book character, forgetting the existence of last names, having to slap the bags he stacks to level them out, marking his arms and hands with a stamper to check the settings instead of using a bag, carrying a knife with a six inch blade in a sheath on his belt to cut open bags instead of a small pocket knife and then losing it in public, backing a pickup halfway into a building even when it isn't raining and then having to duck his head under the ceiling while unloading it, and not understanding how a gas gage works.

He often tries to be helpful but usually ends up getting in the way. He leads a very sheltered life and as such is unable to respond to situations that require a measurable amount of courage. A brawny lad of ambiguous mass he weighs in at roughly 200 lbs despite eating a healthy diet of chicken wings and nutty buddies. He has proved to be an attractive figure to Uncle Byron who once tried to convince him to stick his “pee-pee” in a mouse trap. He is generally disliked however by the rest of the mill-men. This is largely do to his cocky attitude and overbearing presence which persist despite his lack of knowledge and common sense. No one mentions this stupidity though as his dad has a shoty.

Callen is believed to be one of the few modern worshippers of the old Sumerian god, Gi'Hassh, a name often rendered today as "Gosh". This is supported by his occasional utterances of "for Gosh sake" when distressed.

Verbal quirks
Callen has a variety of quirks when it comes to words, and an assortment of catchphrases, similar to the once mill worker, Dawson. Callen's lingual oddities include:


 * Pronouncing the name "Wes" as "Wez"
 * Calling "Wheat bran", "Wheat brain"
 * Saying the name "Morton" as "Morlnton"
 * Saying "Let's get out of here" before traversing anywhere
 * Reading road signs aloud as he passes them
 * Saying "Aw nuts" along with other expletives when upset
 * Mumbling to himself all day about nothing